Season Two: Twilight in Quarantine

April 3, 2020 - March 24, 2021

Is Twilight by Stephenie Meyer the best book of all time? No it’s not. Is it the kind of cotton candy escapism joy we need during these uncertain times? Hell yes it is. 

You may remember BFFs Vanessa & Julia from their all-star advice giving in Hot and Bothered Season One. In this mini-season they’re sheltering in place in different cities, but they’re getting on the phone three times a week to read and talk about Twilight. On Twilight in Quarantine, they work their way through the Twilight saga one chapter at a time, giving brilliant well-informed advice to Stephenie Meyer and her characters along the way. Being isolated sucks, but at least we can do it together with sparkly vampires brightening our days.

Twilight in Quarantine ran as a mini-series in the Hot and Bothered podcast feed. You can subscribe to Hot & Bothered wherever you get your podcasts, like Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, and Spotify.

Book 1: Twilight

First Sight

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 1. They meet Bella and Edward for the first time and they are concerned about them. 

Open Book

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 2 and they have some questions about the weather patterns in Forks, Washington. 

Phenomenon

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 3 and, surprisingly, they're actually starting to like this book!

Invitations

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 4 and are ready to start casting Twilight the Musical.

Blood Type

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 5 and they'd like to teach the residents of Forks some things about consent.

Scary Stories

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 6 and they have different takes on the character of Lauren.

Nightmare

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 7 and beg Bella Swan to do literally anything else but wait by the phone for a boy to call. Bella--take a nap, eat a banana, pet your goldfish and call your mom!

Port Angeles

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 8 and are #TeamAngela.

Theory

This episode, Vanessa is joined by our friend Meredith Goldstein of the Love Letters podcast. Meredith is an actual advice columnist and an actual fan of Twilight, so it's a real treat to have her on. Vanessa and Meredith discuss chapter 9 and recommend some moral philosophy to Edward.

Interrogations

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 10 and they realize that everyone really wants to smell like vegetables. They also both come to a very important conclusion: using your dog to get a message to your boyfriend is a fool's errand.

Complications

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 11 and they finally find out why this book is called Twilight.

Balancing

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 12 and they continue to find Edward's outfits better than his behavior.

Confessions

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 13 and they're already planning their Edward/Bella Halloween costumes.

Mind Over Matter

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 14 and they applaud Bella for living her best quarantine life.

The Cullens

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 15 and are blowing the whistle on creepy rocking chair dynamics. If you see something, say something.

Carlisle

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 16 and they think that you should always pack an umbrella. Or at least not laugh at those who do.

The Game

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 17 and have an important sports update: baseball is dumb.

The Hunt

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 18 and they want you to JUST SAY NO to kidnapping.

Goodbyes

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 19 and they are starting to understand why the Cullens treat Bella like a toddler.

Impatience

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 20 and they're feeling as trapped in Bella's hotel room as she is.

Phone Call

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 21 and are amused by the quaint technologies of the early 2000s like 'drawing' and 'writing.' Bella's gonna have her mind blown by photoshop and snapchat.

Hide and Seek

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 22 and feel greatly betrayed when it turns out that Bella is not actually from Phoenix.

The Angel

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 23, and are joined by Maren of the Remember Twilight podcast. Together, they discover that there's a gap in the market for Vampire Therapy and that maybe there's hope for true love after all.

An Impasse

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 24, and they finally get to meet the elusive Renée. Unfortunately, she was not worth the wait.

An Occasion

Vanessa and Julia have read the Epilogue, and they're organizing the After-Prom party for Bella and Edward.

The Whole Dang Book

Vanessa and Julia have read ALL of the first book of the Twilight series! Before they move on to New Moon, they take a look back at the whole book and give their final impressions and advice.

The Twilight Movie

Vanessa and Julia have watched the Twilight movie and give a thorough review of all the most important parts: the weather, the fashion, and our favorite minor characters.

Please Note: We've decided to not talk about Charlie Swan in this episode. We've given Charlie a lot of love throughout this first season of Twilight in Quarantine, but in this political moment we're thinking a lot about how police narratives are centered and celebrated in popular media.

Book 2: New Moon

Party

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 1 of New Moon and they have a lot of advice on proper birthday etiquette and how to best take advantage of your astrological moment. 

Stitches

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 2 of New Moon, and are thoroughly in the weeds with some big questions: is there a god? Is there such thing as a consensual rocking chair experience in the bedroom? How can we empower Bella's bodily autonomy? So buckle up, Twihards, it's a bumpy ride.

The End

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 3 of New Moon, and they are THRILLED that Edward and Bella have finally broken up. We've been waiting for this moment for so long ya'll and it's finally here.

Waking Up

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 4 of New Moon, and have some thoughts on how to get Bella through this break-up.

Cheater

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 5 of New Moon, and give Bella some much needed financial advice about saving for college.

Friends

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 6 of New Moon, and need to introduce some high level terms to Bella like ‘internalized misogyny’ and ‘racism.’

Repetition

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 7 of New Moon, and they have some notes for Sam Uley on how to be a good cult leader. Pro tip: try to be less scary.

Adrenaline

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 8 of New Moon, and want Bella to hop on the #TeamJacob bandwagon and off the motorcycle (or at least wear a helmet).

Third Wheel

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 9 of New Moon, and they're ready to give Jacob 'the talk' about his growing and changing body.

Cult

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 11 of New Moon, and between bad policing, white savior complexes, and gas-lighting, Charlie and Bella are hitting a home run on sucking this week.

Intruder

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 12 of New Moon, and are having flashbacks to book one. We know that Jacob is the middle of a transformative time - we just didn't realize he was transforming into Edward.

Killer

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 13 of New Moon, and feel it's necessary to do a deep dive into the psychology of Bella's attractions

Pressure

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 15 and, true to type, Vanessa has to explain to Julia some 90s culture while Julia has to explain to Vanessa some modern technology.

Paris

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter 16 and are scheming to unionize the poor werewolves who are clearly working too hard.

Visitor

 Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 17 of New Moon and have come to the conclusion that tough love is maybe the truest love of all. #TeamBalice anyone?

The Funeral

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 18 of New Moon and they want to hear from you! Write in if you: 

• Also didn’t realize that this book was an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet

• Have an idea of a sound effect for our genuine enjoyment section

• Have a private jet and want us to come to your wedding

Race

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 19 of New Moon and they're starting to wonder if they should have read Fifty Shade of Grey instead.

Volterra

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 20 and urge Bella to jump into EMERGENCY MODE because she's far from home, wading barefoot and frantic through some deep trouble in Italy.

Verdict

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 21 of New Moon. Though they've been giving advice for a while now, in this chapter it feels like there are two pressing pieces of advice that can supersede all that came previously:

• DON'T murder

• DON'T start romantic relationships with literal children

These are surprisingly difficult concepts for many characters to grasp.

Flight

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 22 of New Moon and they want to celebrate Edward for his self-control in several categories. Blood-thirst for Bella? Completely under control. Public displays of affection? Generous, yet tasteful. We can honestly say for once: Good job Edward.

The Truth

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 23 and they think that some bunk beds and a Daniel Craig shaped pillow would solve a lot of Bella’s problems.

Vote

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 24 of New Moon and they're rooting for Bella to say yes to the dress.

Epilogue: Treaty

Vanessa and Julia have read the Epilogue of New Moon and they're starting a petition to bring RBG to Forks, Washington.

Book 3: Eclipse

Ultimatum

Vanessa and Julia have read the first chapter of Eclipse and are very interested to learn that Bella's favorite book is Wuthering Heights. They dive into the book-within-a-book relationship with some essential questions: Is Eclipse going to draw its themes from Wuthering Heights? Will Bella gets to become a ghost instead of a vampire? And, most importantly, why does Bella like the wrong Bronte book?

Evasion

Vanessa and Julia have read the second chapter of Eclipse and they've final solved the mystery of why so many socks go missing in the laundry: Edward is eating them. Because we're switching our release schedule to once a week (on Wednesdays!) we're trying to make our episodes longer. To that end, we have a new rotating segment called Reality TV. In today's episode, we try out our 'Survivor' edition for the first time, in which Vanessa and Julia both vote a character off the Twilight Island.

Motives

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter three of Eclipse and they're ready to pitch a CW adaptation of Twilight staring Chad Michael Murray. Because we're switching our release schedule to once a week (on Wednesdays!) we're trying to make our episodes longer. To that end, we have a new rotating segment called Reality TV. In today's episode, we try out our 'Shark Tank' edition for the first time, in which Vanessa and Julia both propose a new product that could be useful to the people of Forks.

Nature

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter four of Eclipse and they are serving up some harsh truths and crushed dreams for the characters this week.

Imprint

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter five of Eclipse and they are obsessed with Sam Uley's love life. Can someone say drama?

Switzerland

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter six of Eclipse and are joined by reporter Rachelle Hampton to discuss Bella's latest kidnapping.

Unhappy Ending

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter seven of Eclipse and they will always and forever be #TeamRosalie.... but Team Rosalie and who?

Temper

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter eight of Eclipse and they're doing all they can to not be sucked into the logic of these books.

Target

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter nine of Eclipse and are revisiting these books scariest monsters: Capitalism and The Patriarchy. Don't look now, they're under your bed! They're right behind you!

Scent

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter ten of Eclipse and they are joined by special guest Hannah McGregor of the podcast Witch, Please. Hannah has a lot of the same questions we've had in the past: Why doesn't Bella have a cell phone? Why don't werewolves wear something more convenient to their lifestyle? And why aren't Charlie and Carlisle banging already?

Legends

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter eleven of Eclipse and they're uncomfortable with the amount of hot dogs in this chapter.

Time

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter twelve of Eclipse and they've finally figured out that Bella is a time traveller.

Newborn

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter thirteen of Eclipse and Vanessa gives advice from her stint as a robber in the 1980s.

Declaration

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter fourteen of Eclipse and it turns out that Tom Hanks is a main character in these books.

Wager (Skipped!)

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter thirteen of Eclipse, but they honestly can’t bear to talk about it. So Julia has used her one and only Uno Skip Card to save us from having to re-live Bella’s sexual assault. Instead, we turn our dial to see what’s happening at Forks High School. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s prom season! What hijinks do our favorite high schoolers get up to at prom? Eclipse doesn’t tell us. But fortunately Vanessa and Julia are here to fill in the details.

Epoch

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter sixteen of Eclipse and they've been chosen as the Forks High graduation speakers.

Alliance

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter seventeen of Eclipse and they're dreaming up business ideas for Alice's party planning company. First step: a suite of business tools where the Cullens can keep track of their revenue, as well as their blood grudges against other vampires. Technology can really do it all these days.

Instruction

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter eighteen of Eclipse and they're ready to hit the runway and Make It Work.

Selfish

Vanessa and Julia have read chapter nineteen of Eclipse and are continuing to explore the rich thematic questions that thread through these books: whether Bella is a cat vs. dog person, if Charlie is capable of any kind of parenting, and why nobody has acknowledged that Jasper being a confederate solider is super problematic.

Compromise

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 20 of Eclipse and do their best Richard Dawson impersonation in our Twilight version of Family Feud.

Trails

CW: Because of the content of this chapter we spend a lot of time talking about sexual assault and emotional abuse.

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 21 of Eclipse and they don't know how anyone could be #TeamJacob.

Fire and Ice

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 22 of Eclipse and they have a lot of ideas about how to stay warm without inviting Jacob into your sleeping bag.

Snap Decision

CW: discussion of suicidal ideation, graphic violence, and abuse

We really only planned to skip one chapter in this book, but then Chapter 23 went and happened. Chapter 23 is a minefield of sexual and emotional abuse and we thought: 'You know what would be more fun than recording an episode on this nonsense? Not recording an episode on this nonsense.' So we moved on to Chapter 24. And don't worry, Chapter 24 still has plenty of problematic things to discuss! Topics include dismembering vampires and whether or not Bella actually stabs herself during the battle scene.

Mirror

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 25 of Eclipse and they have a few special valentines to share with the class.

Ethics

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 26 of Eclipse and are still shaking off the horror of this whole Bella/Jacob situation.

Interview with Emily Nagoski

CW: In this episode we discuss sexual assault and read an explicit scene of assault and emotional abuse from Eclipse.

Still reeling from the Jacob/Bella plot line, Vanessa turns to sex educator and author Emily Nagoski for some help in making sense of Eclipse. They discuss the history of women’s sexualization, how Jacob’s storyline plays upon real and toxic gender norms, and what to do with Romance novels that uphold the patriarchy.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out Emily’s amazing books! She’s the author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, and two romance novels of her very own: How Not to Fall and How Not to Let Go.

Needs

Vanessa and Julia have read Chapter 27 of Eclipse and need a whole closet of custom designed free clothing from Alice stat.

Epilogue

Vanessa and Julia have officially finished Eclipse! Jacob wants to be a wolf full-time and we love that for him. Go Jacob, run like the wind and never come back. Seriously. Please don’t come back.

Breaking Dawn

Vanessa and Julia have read all of Breaking Dawn and have some thoughts on imprinting, vampire sex, and best practices for vampire childbirth.

Thank you to our volunteer transcript team:
Jane Sievert, Samantha Moyer, Jakob Nordmark, Kaylin Bierly, Erin Edgar, Kayleigh C, and Natalie G.